i wish i could say i’ve been absent because a,b or c. or because i didn’t have the desire to blog for the last week. i wish it was that work, school and well, basically life took up too much time. but it’s not.
for the past week i haven’t exactly been ‘myself’. and while i don’t want to spill everything on this here blog– i will tell you, saturday night was scary. impossible to recall every detail scary. around 3:30am we woke up to clementine freaking out. and when i say freaking out– i mean it. with every ounce of my body– i mean it.
long story short: someone broke the glass on our front door and then took our door knob off in hopes of entering our teeny-tiny little apartment that we so proudly call home. i replay the moment of calling 9-11 so vividly in my mind– hands shaking and not breathing. i replay it in the morning, on my lunch break and in those wee hours of the morning when i wake up and can’t move, somewhat paralyzed by fear. they say it’s normal. it is some what ‘normality’ to feel like this. to feel violated, unsafe and the worst: to feel like it’s out of your control… that no matter how much you try to protect yourself, you can’t 100 percent. nobody can. because of others. and their actions. that scares me the most.
home is supposed to be protection. it’s supposed to take you in at your worst– put you on the couch with a cup of tea and make you feel complete. home lets you close your eyes and lets you let go of everything that is going on in the world. but right now, my house feels eerie. and i hope that one day it makes me feel safe– just like it did when i went to bed saturday night.
we weren’t harmed– nothing was taken– and our little pup woke us up. we’ve got to stay thankful and aware that things could have been much worse. but, alas– i am still frightened when i wake up and the sun is so far away from rising. i close my eyes and wish for daylight (again, again and again)
and so my week has been going….and to say i have been ‘on edge’ is putting it lightly. ian came into the kitchen tuesday morning (when i thought he was fast asleep) and i jumped. i was so darn scared, right there in my very own kitchen pouring my very own cup of coffee and thinking of thoughts that didn’t revolve around saturday night.
they say it takes time to get over it.
yesterday i had class in providence. and on most wednesday nights i dread the city. it’s too much for me. but yesterday it was exactly what i needed. i felt safe– there were hundreds of people around and i didn’t know a soul. but somehow they made me feel safe. a simple smile, a gesture of hello or that sweet, sweet lady that held the door for me. they made me feel safe.
completely and utterly safe.
and so, after class i saw the uri bus that takes you to the parking lot. but instead, i walked. i walked alone– in the city– at 8:45pm because i needed to. (although i did talk to my mom for 60% of the walk).
and when i got to my car, i felt relieved– i felt like not everybody in this world is there to hurt you. to break you down. not everybody wants something out of you. some people just want to hold the door. and with that small gesture i realized that things happen. shit happens. and you’ve got to be bigger than it. you’ve got to keep living life.
last night i slept so well (thanks to two benedryl)
i hope i sleep well from here on out. as long as i’ve got ian and clem– i’ll be okay. i’ll be okay.